True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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