I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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