No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
