i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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