I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
