I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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