I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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