Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
