Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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