My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
