I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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