Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He shit in the fireplace
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
