I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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