I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
