Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
