Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
