I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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