Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
