I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
