Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
