Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I woke up under a house in Key West
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