jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
