my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
