Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
