the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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