I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
