my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
