don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
