So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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