So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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