Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
