I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
