There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
