i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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