update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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