I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she pinky promised me she was 18
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
