Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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