I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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