your parents love me but you hate me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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