i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
