I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
