I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
