I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
did i just pee glitter
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
