It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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