I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
