Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have aggressive nipples.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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