I wish you could order shots online.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
