It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
