I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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