you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
